NTA but get a vasectomy so an “accidental” pregnancy doesn’t happen again with another partner.

You made your stance very clear. Your ex is very delusional to think a real life boy will change your mind, much less force your hand. You are extremely responsible and kind to a child you never intend to form a paternal bond with. You pay your child support and inform the court of salary changes. You’re a better man than others who claim to want kids, but run the moment they have them.

NTA

NTA!

You need to get a vasectomy so another unwanted child can’t be created without your consent…

NTA.

Frankly, considering your ex committed reproductive coercion, which is a form of non-consensual sex, she should be grateful you’re not threatening her for emotional distress.

Living in the same area allowed them to cling to the fantasy that one day you’d come around. You moving away is forcing them to wake up to reality. They don’t want to wake up, so they’re blaming you for shattering their illusions.

That is not your problem. You have been clear from the beginning, cooperated fully with the courts and proactively volunteered information to the courts as soon as your circumstances changed (and you are right, that’s the best way to protect yourself).

You have nothing to worry about. This is their problem. You keep doing what you’re doing, and let your lawyer handle it.

Perhaps consider a vasectomy to protect you further.

Have you discussed with your lawyer whether it’s appropriate to cut off direct contact with your ex and communicate solely through lawyers in future?

You’ve been very fair in telling court of your promotion d thus raising your child support payments.

It must be really odd being her lawyers, drafting letters of obvious bullshit on behalf of someone who is seemingly v delusional

She wants you close because she thinks you’re going to change your mind. Good luck.

NTA….what your ex did was reproductive coercion/abuse and is classified as SA/rape in many jurisdictions, she’s lucky you didn’t push for more than just divorce, she’s lucky you are paying CS when you had a case for terminating your parental rights.

It’s your life, your choice – and time to get an aggressive lawyer to push at least for a permanent restraining order 

NTA,

She tried baby trapping you and failed. You gave up parental rights, you’re paying child support. You did nothing wrong.

If stealthing is rape, then so is what she did to you. NTA.

NTA-She has no case and both lawyers know it. This is just a delay tactic and any competent judge will see through it. What a waste of money.

NTA, OP.

Good on you for paying child support and updating the court about your income. My ex died owing $75k+; it would’ve made a huge difference in our lives if he’d paid.

The court can come after you for child support, but there’s nothing in the law to force an ex to parent the child.

Obviously not the asshole but someone who is so strongly against kids never thought of getting snipped so that doesn’t happen is wild to me.  It was all under your control.  

Nta

Should have your lawyer draft up a letter to her/her lawher stating if this continues youll be within your rights to sue for harassment for the entrapment and lying she did plus the emotional stress shes caused this whole time.

NTA

You have been clear you didn’t want children from the beginning.

But I would strongly suggest getting a vasectomy.

NTA
She baby trapped (aka SA) you. Instead of rolling over you followed through and now she’s all surprised.

Ignore her BS and file a restraining order against her and her family for harassment

I cannot imagine you not following through with the move. You already notified family court, updated your address and pay, and signed legal contracts (leases and work).

Unless there’s a court injunction, no one can stop you from leaving. You may, however, have to return for a day in court. I am certain your lawyer will back that up. You should call them up and verify that your move is green-lighted for a go.

NTA It’s really sad about the baby trapping though. No one deserves that.

So much victim blaming in this thread just because OP is a man. He was raped by deception he never agreed to have sex without her being on birth control she got him to have sex with her by lying thats called rape. If OP was a woman who got raped and gave up the baby would you can her a deadbeat? OP is not at faultand its not his responsibility to get a vasectomy that’s between him and his partner and they already had birth control plans you can’t seriously say its his fault for trusting his marital partner youre a clown if you think he should have known she was a liar and gone to get a medical procedure done on himself and that its on him for not doing that.

NTA, you always said you didn’t want to be a father…question why didn’t you have a vasectomy? You would not have been trapped….because I imagine the opposite situation where it is the man who wants one and not the woman, how would the known and unknown entourage react in this same situation?

NTA

Can you sue HER for the emotional distress of her baby trapping you? Make her admit in court in front of her family of how she manipulated the situation? She deliberately caused the problem. Talk to your lawyer. Maybe he has an idea.

You also need a vasectomy. Don’t forget the control appointments afterwards. 

NTA.
You made it clear you didn’t want children, she’s at fault for ignoring that and being insistent on changing your mind.
You’ve never been a part of the kid’s life, and it would’ve honestly been worse for the child if you were simply because of the fact you didn’t want a child. There would be constant tension. 

As of now, unless your ex is intentionally telling the child that you “abandoned” them, there’s no way your continued absence is going to cause “emotional distress”. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Best of luck to with all the legal details.

For the sake of your ex’s child and herself, I hope she’s able to move on and potentially find another partner who’s interested in being a parent to her child. 

I wonder if you can file harassment and get a restraining order. If I were you, I would set the world on fire with these people.

Should have got that vasectomy earlier. Should’ve gotten it the moment she started bringing up wanting kids with you.

That being said, you can speak to your lawyer and ask for your parental rights to be terminated. I think you may still need to pay child support, but at least there are no legal grounds for your ex to keep harassing you.

Baby trapping is shitty behaviour and she was wrong to do it.

If you’ve already surrendered your parental rights, file a harassment claim against your ex so she can stop her nonsense.

Also make a doctor’s appointment for that vasectomy so your next partner cannot do the same thing to you.

Who is your sister snitching to?

NTA

I don’t care what anyone says, being forced to pay child support when you are the victim of reproductive coercion is theft, and she deserves 18+ years in prison with no chance of parole for violating your autonomy and ruining your life. Get as far away from that loon as possible and get a vasectomy ASAP.

NTA

But I can already see it….. holidays and family gatherings…… ‘oh, you don’t mind your son being here, right? You can meet him, now that you’re alfeady here!’
They are so going to force a relationship or meetings on OP!

Did you ever tell anyone she tried to bent trap you?

NTA 100%

NTA, you made it clear from the beginning you did NOT want any kids, your ex wife knew, she married you knowing and apparently was on the same page, and you warned her many times you will divorce if she wanted children, she should’ve just let you go and find someone who wanted to be a father, what she did was essentially assault, she purposely stopped her birth control and got pregnant without your consent, it works both ways for women and men, there’s so much outrage for forcing women to have children they don’t want, but when men make it clear they don’t want them, people make them out to be the bad person, that’s not how it works.

I’m honestly impressed you’re even paying the child support, the legal system fails everyone constantly, not sure if you had proof in text about conversations with your ex wife about not wanting to have kids, not sure that would’ve done anything to help your case, but it sucks and I’m sorry you’re in this situation paying for a child you don’t intend to have any relationship with, and that everyone in your life is trying to force it, like that woman forced that baby to come into this world where he’ll grow up without a father and will know he was unwanted, and probably grow up to not respect boundaries like his mother, I truly bad for you two.

They can’t force you to stay behind and lose opportunities for something you did not ask for, hopefully things turn in your favor, and if they do move as far away as possible from them and re build your life, and honestly do think about getting a vasectomy done to avoid something like this happening again, that person you trusted, loved and spent a lot of years with, betrayed you so what can you expect from strangers.

NTA but why didn’t you file for parental termination during the divorce? You’ve left yourself open to this by not terminating your rights before the child was born.

She baby trapped you and expected you to cave…. pay the support as required. While I dont agree, I respect your reasoning.  You made it clear, kids were a deal breaker. She needs to accept the consequences for her actions. She should have filed for divorce. Then sought of a sperm donor. What she did was wrong.

NTA. A child was conceived under deception. No, it is not the child’s fault, and it really is an absolutely terrible situation your horribly selfish ex created for everyone involved. But you have no reason to feel bad. Your ex essentially committed an act of rape and should be held accountable for what she has done. I wish you peace and success in life.

Go over to the r/childfree subreddit in their Wiki they have lists of Doctors organized by state that will preform sterilization procedures.

Sorry your ex did what she did.
It sucks for you and little man.
She should have divorced you and married someone who wanted children, not try and force this on you.

You were very clear on your wants, and she boundary stomp that into oblivion.

NTA.

Good luck on your promotion and move.

NTA because it’s does sound like your ex made a choice to get pregnant against your wishes by not taking her birth control and not telling you. Having said that, if you don’t get a vasectomy now then you will be an asshole if you ever have unprotected sex again. Sometimes birth control pills don’t work and sometimes people legitimately forget to take them. It takes two people to make a baby and the responsibility of that should never be solely up to one person to decide. if you’re so sure that you don’t want kids, don’t leave that up to someone else or to chance.

Sue her for reproductive coercion, emotional distress and for your parental rights to be fully terminated to be free of this matter once and for all. She tried to force you to be a father, when you made it clear you didn’t want to, and now she is meddling in your life because your parental rights are not terminated and that gives her the excuse to keep fucking with you to get what she wants, which is, you, her and the child she tried to force on you as a happy family, even when she knows you absolutely don’t want that. And she has managed to turn your family against you on top. She truly is n awful person

Maybe other won’t say it, but your wife did not “accidentally” skip her birth control. She did it on purpose to baby trap you. It did not work out for her.

That said, I have to commend you for sticking to your word, and your side of the deal. That makes you more of a man than most.

NTA

Can you explain why in 10 years of a supposedly intentionally childfree marriage you did not get a vasectomy?

NTA

While I agree with the top rated comment that a vasectomy really should be in the future for you, the fact is that it takes two tango to create a baby and **only one** to fuck with birth control. Your ex committed reproductive coercion, which while not a crime is ultimately a scumbag thing to do. While it was her right to have that boy, she decided to do this against any desire or will on your part because she believed she could oopsie a baby into existence and force you to be happy about it. It’s a trashy and disgusting.

So, no, I don’t see your actions as wrong. You were upfront about your intentions, you followed through with your intentions, and regardless of your absence from the boys life you’re ultimately performing your due diligence both legally and monetarily. From what it sounds like this boy isn’t even impacted by your absence, he has family galore, it’s just that your ex is just upset that her perception of control was shattered by your resolve and she can’t force you to bend to her desires.

This is so tricky. It’s not ok and probably not legal that she skipped birth control pills. Also, you could have gotten a vasectomy from the jump. You were very clear and honest with her. Also you could terminate parental rights. It must be super weird for you that your family is involved with the kid, but also, they all live in the same town, it would be weird for them to ignore the kid, they are bound to run into him. You are right the kid is innocent. It’s sort of like you have to choose between multiple bad options at this point, because the kid is here regardless of why and your family’s involvement only makes it more complicated for the kid. I don’t know the legalities but I doubt a court will find in her favor. And possibly you could file SA charges against her. I hope your therapist is able to help you find some solutions and some peace.

Isn’t that some sort of rape for like when a man pokes a hole in his condom? She didn’t use birth control despite your thinking it, or am I wrong? Like image, the roles would be reversed, and he was the one who’d tampered with the protection, that would have a completely different outcome.

The child has never known you unless your ex has been feeding him some cock and bull story. Thing is if you never wanted kids then vasectomy for you. Don’t delay it.

You should have gotten a vasectomy the moment she started saying she wanted kids, because before you even wrote it, I knew she was going to get pregnant on purpose. Baby trapping you and trying to force you into fatherhood is an evil thing of her to do. She literally committed a crime. She can never be trusted. You’re not doing anything wrong.

I’m pretty sure nowadays in most countries withholding or sabotaging north control methods and getting pregnant anagisnt your partners wishes is a type of SA, not to mention you being clear on no kids pre marriage. This woman is manipulative as all he’ll. Why would she try to prevent your future and leave her kid worse off otherwise its quite disturbing and I’d be asking your lawyer to address preventing her from using court to manipulate your future. I’m very sorry this has happened to you and everyone is acting crazy. NTA

OP, nothing to add besides you’ve done nothing wrong and I wish you peace and success.

NTA. And she is a delusional asshole. Poor kid.

NTA. But I feel so bad for the kid like his mom is actually so crazy. Why don’t some women believe men when they say they don’t want to be a father.

Don’t stop the move. Even if you have to go to court, it will be found in your favor. See if they will let you appear via teleconference. Further create distance. Do not let your ex change your plans. 

NTA. I’d have your attorney draft a letter responding to the complaint that you have never had contact with your child, and that it’s frivolous and an abuse of the legal system to try to prevent a move when it has no impact whatsoever on the child because you do not share custody or visitation, and have no desire to even see the child. Your sole “relationship” with the child is in the form of child support, and you are diligently providing updates to the court when your income changes.

NTA;

It was very fucked up for your wife to deceive you into becoming a father without your consent or willingness, and tbh even while little dude is innocent he doesn’t have a father; not because of you, but because of her and her lies as you gave her fair and honest opportunity to leave.

I only hope that one day he learns the truth so that he doesn’t hold a grudge against you for not wanting to be there. Your wife is the Asshole here. Don’t let your ex and family force or compel you into a life you never wanted to live

Good luck my man, you are clearly not the asshole in this scenario. But like many comments have suggested, why not getting a vasectomy?

Is it possible to legally prevent you from moving? Never heard of this.

What she did to you was reproductive coercion. In some jurisdictions, it’s a crime. NTA. She’s a horrible person though.

I agree with other posters, though. Get a vasectomy.

Holy shit NTA. I’m sorry you didn’t leave when she first showed her true self.

Why your lawyer hasn’t applied for a restraining order is odd… NTA

This is rape adjacent behavior. NTA, and honestly you should force maximum legal pain on her for it

NTA… ex seems like a manipulator. She signed the agreement. They can’t force a relationship, she thinks by staying in the same city would magically make you want to be a”family”.

She chose to skip her pills. She is the a-hole.

NTA

A lot of aholes on here are to refusing to read what you’ve written and are saying nonsense about you abandoning a child who you clearly said you did not want. Your wife knew you did not want and who she tricked you into having. 

You then went to court and made sure that your only interaction would be financial through child support. Your ex-wife signed off on this. 

Redditers If you’re going to call the guy an a-hole, at least read the post. That’s bare minimum 

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. There is no way the court is going to stop you from moving. I would move just as you planned and show up in court showing you are following the court order and volunteered the new income information. You have spent no time with this child so he does not know you.

Even if you were involved, the court would not stop you from moving for a promotion. You would be responsible for paying any transportation to see the child in that case, but courts do not generally stop a non-custodial parent from moving. She is stupid to waste legal fees on that. Honestly, you should have your lawyer ask the judge to award you legal fees for her frivolous filing.

I am a mother and I love my kids and other kids. That means I feel differently than you about being a parent, but legally you have rights and are entitled to your feelings. You did all the right things and she just keeps thinking seeing this kid will change you. I honestly doubt that would happen. Maybe the kid is cute, but doesn’t change your feelings on being a parent.

I do feel for the kid, but not because of you. Sounds like she may be saying things to him about you that are setting an unrealistic expectation.

Again, you are NTA and I hope you move and enjoy your new job.

She baby trapped you and forced you into 18 years of child support, this should be illegal and criminal charges should have been pressed, I salute you for dealing with it as well as you have but your ex is possibly the lowest form of life on this earth.

Since she went off BC without telling him, wouldn’t it be concerted rape? Same as if a guy took off the condom.

You are definitely nta here. She tried to baby trap you, and you didn’t fall for it – good on you there.
I’m happy you can afford a lawyer cuz this shit gets messy fast! Keep your texts and stuff proving you’ve never intentionally met this kid.

Eta- your family and anyone saying you abandoned this child are AH. You got tricked by trusting someone. It’s assault when the situation is reversed as in “He took the condom off” situation IMO.

NTA

Obviously, you are not the aH here but this woman expects you to take part in her forced family. As long as you are fulfilling the court’s legal requirements of you, do just that and communicate with the court clerk/ judge if she gets too much out of line with obeying court orders. Legally, you are justified.

NTA. I am disgusted by your ex-wife, imagine if the roles were reversed! People don’t understand that some people never want to have kids.

My ex ditched her birth control pills without telling me because she wanted another child.

Today all three kids (26, 27 and 30) are long estranged from her and she’s in memory care with early onset Alzheimer’s. While we’re thick as thieves and they adore my wife.

I like to think of it as karma.

Nta. She forced a pregnancy on you and is now playing the victim since you won’t play happy families with a baby you never consented to conceiving. 

NTA. I can’t even believe you had to ask. You were honest and open and because she was not now you’re stuck in this perpetual hell. I would maybe look into whether or not you can have your information hidden from the ex so she can’t continue to harass you?

Go no contact with everyone. Just send your payments to the account that automatically sends to her

This is extremely bizarre, she punched you in the stomach, forced you to have a child you didn’t want and influenced the rest of your life and you are still penalized for it.

In an ideal world this woman would be prosecuted, at the very least.

NTA she committed reproductive coercion and you rightfully walked away

She fucked around and found out

For your own peace of mind I would get a vasectomy asap (and the 3 month check up afterwards) to make sure no one can coerce you in unconsented sex again

What she did is a type of rape and im disgusted you have so little support from your family

NTA.

Her case will be thrown out because you do not have a relationship with the child. You never met him.

Move to the new place and please think about getting a vasectomy.

Your ex got pregnant without your consent.

I know a woman who did this

The kid’s father did the same thing you did. She, like your ex, thought she could manipulate him into being a dad

Eventually, she married someone else and had another child…and that guy became his father figure

The reality is, people who want to be parents will never be able to understand why or how other people know in their bones they don’t want to be parents

Their biology compels them…which is good for the human race

But she made this decision without your consent

And you don’t need hers to move away

I would however, suggest you take the time to start writing letters to your son. Explain who you are, why you were not a part of his life, and why you never wanted to being a dad

Then have a doctor put together medical files for him should he require them in the future in case of hereditary medical issues

At some point in the future he may come looking for you

It’s not his fault he was put in this position

When that happens, be honest but keep your boundaries in tact

NTA

I told my future husband, when we started getting serious, children were NOT in my future and, that I felt that way since I was a child. I gave him multiple opportunities to “break up” with me, if HE wanted children.

We lived together for 7 years. In that time, I STILL felt the same way about children. As soon as we get married, he starts pushing for CHILDREN!

He “thought” I’d change my mind……

NTAH, but the moment you found out that she wanted kids, you should have run for your life, it is very common for women to unilaterally make the decision to either have kids, or terminate a pregnancy, and the moment your views on children no longer align, you should leave.

The worst choice in this situation would have been hanging around in an unhappy marriage and being a father without wanting to be. She chose a child over her husband, clearly knowing his wishes, and now she can deal with that alone or find a new partner who wants to be a parent. He has taken responsibility and pays child support fairly.

NTA

Everyone is saying YTA but if this post was by a woman who said her husband was ignoring their kids you’d all be saying to leave him and file for child support.

If this was a 20yo saying their dad never wanted anything to do with them you’d all be saying go NC.

He didn’t want a kid, he has never interacted with the child. He did the boy a favour by stepping away before the birth.

NTA, you’re done nothing wrong in this. You reported your move, you’re paying child support and upholding your end of the deal even if she was in the wrong and basically assaulted you. Forcing you to be in that child life ain’t gonna make other than your ex happy, cause you’re will be miserable and so will the kid when he realize/learn you do not want him, never wanted him and still don’t want him and simply see him due to force. Like, what kind of mom wants their child to go through that? She put herself in this situation and will have to take the consequences, whatever that may be. This isn’t on you, and you could ja e been a lot less gracious in all of this, and I think it’s about time she realize that by a letter from your lawyer 

NTA she got pregnant out of spite knowing you never wanted kids. It was something yall both agreed on at first. You’ve never been in the child’s life so how can you cause emotional distress. File a no contact order

The not taking pills so she’d get pregnant is diabolical. Some women are so fucked in the head, they don’t realize a baby should only be born if both parents want to raise it. I’m 34 with a 2 month old and I’m exhausted. But I wanted this. I can’t imagine if someone sprung this on me, when I didn’t want a baby.

NTA.

NTA. Poor little buddy has a horrible mother. Stopping her BC to force her husband to be a father. That’s a boss level evil move right there. Zero concern about the child’s well-being tricking a man who doesn’t want children to be the father. Do you have ANY idea what that can do to a child? Having an active parent that never wanted them? What a horrible mother. She doesn’t deserve to have any children. Sick AF. There are too many men out there who WANT to have a family to force one into that situation. OP, your family that supports her can take a hike. I’d go zero contact with the ones that pushed you to be a father. You did right for your child. Your child’s mother is clearly TA and will suffer for it. Just having a parent like her will make for a difficult life. Sorry that happened to you.

NTA- you were honest and upfront about your feelings from the start of your relationship. But you need to take charge of your fertility and get a vasectomy

NTA.

Have you asked the Judge if he would allow you to voluntarily release your parental rights? Some Judges won’t allow it because they don’t want to “bastardize” a child but you could agree to still provide a child support payment.

NTA updateme

NTA. You don’t want kids and your ex conceived a child with you via fraud.