I made a throwaway account for this.
Alright, this week has been super hectic and full of stress. I (24F) was not going to make this post in the first place because I thought I was doing the right thing, but my family has basically convinced me that I’m not.
I’ll try to keep things short and straightforward. Last week, there was a wedding of one of our family friends (28F). For some information, every major holiday (easter, july 4th, thanksgiving, etc) my family along with other relatives always go to their house.
We have been close, and my parents have known their family for more than 30 years. To sum up, this group consists of about 25 people.
Now, my immediate family and relatives were not invited to this wedding. We found out because another member of the group asked my parents how they were going to get there, and then they realized we aren’t invited.
I guess those people didn’t know we weren’t invited (not surprised, as they probably assumed we’re going). I’m not going to lie, it did sting. I mean I’ve basically known these people my entire life.
It was confusing, since we meet multiple times a year for major events, and all of a sudden we’re not invited to their daughters wedding. My parents are also relatively cool people, don’t cause problems or anything.
I can understand the frustration of my family, cousins, and relatives. But at the end of the day, they didn’t invite us and there is nothing we can do about it.
However, my family’s reaction to the situation was different. They basically had the mindset of “it’s ridiculous they didn’t put us on the list, and we’re gonna go.” I did not agree with this, and told them that I will not be attending, as I don’t want to force my self in.
Most of my cousins, siblings, and relatives essentially told me that I’m not supporting them and that I should understand how ridiculous this is. I told them that I understand why they’re upset, but all they did was try and convince me as to why I’m wrong.
Long story short, I ended up not going with them last weekend. One of my other cousins also did not want to go, but she was basically forced and felt pressured. According to her, things were very awkward at the wedding with the bride’s family, for obvious reasons.
I guess my family and relatives got lucky considering there weren’t fixed tables, and people basically sat anywhere.
Currently, the issue is that there is a sort of “after event” happening next week, and my family is gonna go to that, which they aren’t invited to as well. This past week has been worst than the last, with them telling me I’m not supportive of any of them, and that I should understand.
I just can’t wrap my mind around going to something that I’m not invited to. It’s as if everyone’s worst traits came out these past two weeks.
Edit: Format, Grammar
Info: A lot of people are asking if my family was invited to the major events all of these years. For those events, the invite was specifically sent over text or email.
Conclusion
In the end, the young woman faced a tough but crucial decision that tested her values and her bonds with her family. Sometimes, standing up for what you believe in means risking fallout; other times, it’s about finding a way to bridge differences without losing yourself. Her story reminds us all that navigating family drama is never easy, but staying true to your own heart can lead to unexpected growth and clarity. As for what the future holds, only time will tell if she managed to find peace or if the tension lingers, hinting that life’s most meaningful lessons often come wrapped in the hardest choices.
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
You did the right thing. The rest of the family, on the other hand, was incredibly disrespectful to the bride and groom by crashing their wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if that ends their relationship with the bride and her family for good.
You were absolutely right not to show up uninvited. Your family, sadly, is being incredibly crass on this one.
NTA.
You were right not to attend. None of you were invited. Whether this was an oversight or deliberate is unknown and irrelevant. Would not be surprised if the newlyweds got security for the upcoming event and gave your family ejected.
Have your parents stopped to think that this wasn’t their friend’s wedding, it was their friend’s DAUGHTER’S wedding, and that’s probably why you all weren’t invited? Especially if the couple chose to have a small wedding? It seems like you (and your cousin) are the only ones to recognise that, so good for the both you for having good social graces and respecting the couple’s guest list (shame your cousin got strong armed into going though. Kudos to you for having the strength to say no).
However, please look up the definition of “gaslit.”
Your family is 25 people. That’s a lot of expense for a wedding to cater for.
How big are the two families directly involved in the wedding?
OP is NTA. You are also entitled to feel a little hurt not being invited but also consider the wedding expenses and the behaviour (entitlement) of your family.
Regardless of their reason (cause it doesn’t *really* matter), y’all weren’t invited, and showing up to a *wedding* without an invite is classless behavior. You were in the right to refuse to go (I’m still really thrown about the support comment they were making to you. Support what? Y’all acting like a bunch of crazies? Hard pass).
If it’s at all possible, I’d contact someone in the other family to let them know your family plans on crashing the “after party” as well. Just a basic “I dunno what they’re thinking or why they’re acting this way, but I know they showed up to the wedding uninvited, and they heard about the post wedding party y’all are apparently having and they plan to show up to that too. I just thought you’d like to know they’re planning to show up.” Maybe take the opportunity to tell them you tried to talk them out of showing up uninvited, but they wouldn’t listen, so they at least know you aren’t part of this nonsense.
Maybe also call the cousin who didn’t wanna go but got strong armed into it and throw some support her way. Just a “Hey, I know what you’re dealing with cause I am, too. If you need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with instead of (being forced to) crashing these events, I’m here.”
Anyhow, you are NTA. Your family is acting crazy. Please don’t let them make you crash any events ever. Best of luck to you
Updateme
Edit: typo, punctuation
NTA, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the bridal family will have hired security for the next event, because obviously your family isn’t to be trusted.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
If you aren’t invited to a wedding, then there is no point in going to it, even if you are supposedly close to this other family. You’re in the right to not join your family in inserting themselves into events they were not told to join. It sounds like something else has happened recently that maybe other people in your family haven’t realized yet.
NTA!
You don’t know the reason your family wasn’t invited but the only people that have a say are the bride and the groom.
Again the bride and groom make this decision. They have to weigh the cost and their budget, space constraints and fairness to both side of the families. They have to account for personality conflicts and other issues. For instance, maybe they could invite your parents but not you and your siblings. Or if they invited you they’d be forced to invite all the other cousins too.
25 extra guests is a lot. That would be half of my daughter’s guest list at her wedding. Usually couples try to balance out each side of the guest list. So many from the grooms side and an equal amount from the brides. Your family blew that balance out of the water. It’s really sucks honestly.
I can’t imagine how much that added to their costs for the night too. My daughter’s wedding was in the cheaper side but even at $55-65/person that’s an extra $1500! My daughter and her husband decided that only people they BOTH knew personally, would be invited. Many cousins were left out. Great aunts and uncles were left off the list. No one got plus ones unless they were married or in a long term relationship. It could have easily just been a financial decision.
Yes you’re in between a rock and a hard place, don’t go to the next event either. Send the bride a text and let her know you did not agree with their behavior and you’re very sorry this happened. Give her a heads up that they plan on showing up at the next one too.
I have good manners. I know what I’m about. If I don’t get an invitation then I’m not going, I don’t care how close I am to the bride and/or groom.
(I have a huge, Mormon family with about a million first cousins. We aren’t close. Some of them I literally haven’t seen since the 1990s.)
I also have no idea why anyone would want to go where they were not invited and I know it doesn’t feel nice, but at least you can hold your chin up. And you managed to deal with the pressures of your family so great job.
I wonder, have your family been gatecrashing holiday events for years? Or what else could have happened for none of you to get invited if everyone else on the group did?
You have no idea what the budget for the wedding was or if they had to stay under a certain headcount. It really doesn’t matter because you don’t go if you weren’t invited. “Relatively cool people” would never just show up to someone’s wedding, that’s insane. Weddings are expensive and if the bride and groom were in a situation where they could have invited your family, don’t you think they would have which is the entire problem here.
If they could have invited you, they would have, which means there’s a reason you weren’t and it’s likely related to headcount or budget. Your family had no right creating this ridiculously awkward situation nor did they have any right to create this unexpected and unplanned expense for the bride and groom. Weddings cost money per head and are paid for well in advance, your family did a real shitty thing and I can’t believe they didn’t feel this was incredibly embarrassing to do.
They have probably ruined that wedding.
Stick to your principles. At least one person in your family has some self-awareness.
And if you don’t do as they do you are unsupportive?
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that some of the family events you meet up with the family friends some of your family wasn’t actually wanted or invited only tolerated for the original friendship sake.
It seems like some people in your family can’t deal with the reality or accept that their place in the hierarchy isn’t as significant as they believe.
It’s embarrassing.
For them.
I’m going to go with another guess that those driving this mad cart are people who put “honor and respect” as mains staples of life.
They demand it and get offended when they think someone has slightly didn’t show enough of it, all while being blind to how they act.
Coming uninvited, coming without contribution to parties,
Adding costs to weddings they were not invited to and I’m gonna go here and guess that they think their wedding gift was generous but in actuality if you break it down to the cost per person who gatecrashed the wedding it wasn’t and it didn’t even cover the cost of the meals to all of them.
Don’t go.
You don’t have to be loud to stand up to them but you can refuse to be rude and party crash this party in the name of the FOMO your family lives in.
Nta
NTA.
The audacity to just show up to a wedding of all things when you aren’t invited is BOLD af and in all the worst ways. They’re an embarrassment and beyond rude in every way.
Tell them they are absolutely right: you dint support them in this, because it is incredibly embarrassing and pathetic behavior that will turn your entire family into laughingstocks and pariahs.
It sounds like the groom’s family were ~~Jerusalem~~ jerks, or rude, or whatever. And your family members that decided to crash the wedding were … well, if there’s an opposite for “classy”, that’s what they were.
You, instead, showed a lot of class. That’s all there is to it. And your example may encourage your one cousin to also act with class and not go to the after-event.
NTA
Edited because autocorrect sucks.
I think I would have contacted the family prior to the wedding to ask why your family had been excluded. If you had that information, it might have prevented your parents from going – which, honestly, is an AH thing to do.
And doubling down on the after-wedding event? Trashy. Sorry.
That’s just the ultimate in rudeness, to show up to events when they weren’t invited. And it’s clear they weren’t invited, because of the invitation had never made it, someone would have followed up for the RSVP.
Take a hint, family! Make alternative plans for your next holiday. NTA, and now’s a good time to separate yourself from your family and their poor manners.
I am wondering if this is normal behaviour for your family and if in fact, they have never actually been invited to any of the other regular events. Or perhaps, their behaviour when they got there is why they haven’t been invited to the wedding or the after party.
I think you did the right thing. Besides, you are an adult. You are not obligated to support your family in being incredibly rude. I have a feeling your parents know exactly why they haven’t been invited.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this embarrassing situation.
Maybe they should start to read the room and recognise that your friends daughter doesn’t like them. And even if her parents are friends with yours and your extended family it doesn’t entitle your family to be part of her wedding. That is her and her grooms day and they decide who they want to have there – not your family.
If it had been my wedding and your family had done that shit they would have had to deal with the police.
“My family, along with other relatives, always go to their house”
This strikes me as very very odd. Why do you always go there and never invite them back?
I think you are right, OP. There is a reason you were not invited, and you should absolutely not go.
It sounds like the other family means a lot to your family but not so much the other way around. Perhaps some honest introspection will show there is a reason for their standoffishness. Conversely, if you are all 100% sure there’s absolutely nothing shun-worthy on your side, a gentle conversation with key members of the other family may be in order. More of a “we are sorry we seem to have offended you, but we are not sure why and want to make things right” and not “how dare you not invite us to the wedding!” That ship may have sailed since the crashing of the wedding is certainly very offensive.
You’re right. Your family is wrong. Convince your cousin to stand with you.
And hilariously, all those people are right that you’re “not supportive”, but they don’t seem to understand that you’re not supportive because *why on earth would you support their awful behaviour?*
I’m very sorry that your parents and immediate family are apparently feral, with not even the most basic manners. I’m literally autistic (i.e. I struggle with comprehending social norms and boundaries) and it’s crystal clear even to me that what they are doing is not just tacky, but like, STAGGERINGLY inappropriate.
I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt, but obviously if they’ve spent 30 years of holidays with your family and are generally on good terms, then *there was a reason* why the bride and groom didn’t invite you guys, and it’s not necessarily even because they don’t like you. Maybe there were financial constraints. Maybe there were constraints due to venue size. Maybe they feel like you’re great, fun “family by choice” but not necessarily the people they are closest to. Lots of people have big, gregarious holiday parties, but that doesn’t mean that everyone they celebrate with is someone they feel close to. Or maybe you’re a bit biased and, given your family’s behaviour here, your parents and the others really are kind of problematic, and the bride and groom felt that while that’s fine for a holiday party, they didn’t want that at such a special day.
It’s impossible to know what their reasons were, but it’s safe to assume that they did *have* reasons. No one is entitled to be invited to something this personal, no matter how much they feel that they are.
And worst of all, your family made that poor couple’s special day awkward and uncomfortable, which is really dreadful.
So your relatives are right, you aren’t supportive . . . but that’s because you *shouldn’t* support such terrible behaviour. They don’t deserve support, they deserve to be shamed for being so selfish about someone else’s special day.
I cannot fathom the audacity of an entire family just showing up to an event where food and drink are ordered based on the amount of people who RSVP and also venues can have size limits due to fire code.
We are having a sit down dinner where people have chosen their meal selection and if someone were to show up uninvited or unexpected- they’re not getting dinner. Or actually even a seat at the table b/c they’re all full.
Your parents likely have a fixed relationship with their parents but that doesn’t make the daughter required to invite any of you to their wedding. The daughter gets to live their own life.
If I were that family, I would cut contact and avoid Holidays at home. So your family doesn’t invite themselves over.
You’re family was super disrespectful and it’s mind boggling that only you and your cousin realized it.
NTA
It makes me wonder if all the holidays your parents took you to the bride’s family’s house for they had actually been invited to.
You don’t go if you’re not invited.
It sounds like this behavior is why they weren’t invited.
As I read this it seems that the Wedding Family hosts every major holiday every year. They invite 2 groups: OP’s Family and Relatives (to be called OPF) and Other People (to be called Others). Together OPF and Others are 25 people and make up the GROUP. Is that correct?
Others were specifically invited to the wedding. No one in OPF was specifically invited. So some number less than 24 people (GROUP minus OP) showed up at a wedding uninvited. But it went unnoticed because there was no seating chart, but OPF all had seats, despite being uninvited.
From the post it is impossible to know the number of members of OPF, but it is at least 6 (because OP specifically mentioned parents, cousins, siblings) and possibly more, such as parents of cousins and spouses of siblings and grandparents.
In OP’s comments she is very crafty in not adding any detail. And the comment that there is no one to ask as to why they weren’t invited is a blatant untruth. Someone sent the Others invitations, but did not send them to OPF.
This story is definitely bizarre. If true, OP is NTA. And if I were her, I’d begin distancing myself from OPF! Also, I would stop going to events at Wedding Family’s home, because even if they were invited in the past (which I honestly doubt) they likely won’t be going forward. One more thing, I would tell Wedding Family that OPF plans on crashing the after party.