> Now my mom is threatening not to come to the wedding

Your mother is extremely manipulative. Take her up on that offer.

NTA

No WONDER you have a rocky relationship. She’s a narcissist who has you so damn gaslit you don’t see the forest for the trees. Or the bridal for the gown.

Don’t let your aunt gaslight you either!!!!!!

Frankly, if they’re pulling shit like this now I say don’t invite either of them to the wedding. And be REALLY clear as to why.

Because, no, MOM. This day is NOT as much about you as it is your daughter. What the actual fuck?

Signed,
Mom & Grandma

Nta

Your mom needs therapy.

Your aunt is an enabler.

NTA – Stop negotiating with her. Stop problem solving for her. Set a clear boundary and hold the line. Tell her that a guest wearing white is inappropriate and that you would have her removed from the wedding if she does so. And call her bluff. “I’m sorry you’re unwilling to come. I’ll let the guests know why.” And make sure you control the narrative. Tell the bridal party – “My mom is not coming because I veto-ed her wearing a WHITE gown. If she shows up in white, please escort her back out as quietly and quickly as you can.”

This is HER DECISION. Not a need. Not something to discuss and negotiate. She is making a decision to disrespect you. Time for a shiny spine OP.

NTA. Has your mother always been this manipulative?   You have no duty to let her upstage you at your own wedding just so she can feel “beautiful.”  What’s next, she gets to take the honeymoon with your husband?  

Not a single mother who is mentally and emotionally stable sees her child’s wedding as her “last chance to feel beautiful before getting old”.

Stand your ground. She can either come to your wedding in an appropriate MotB dress and not center herself & her emotions OR she can simply not attend. Attending your wedding in a white gown/wedding dress is not an option for her. Inform her that security will see her out if she does so.

With a mother like this you will need to have solid boundaries in place and stick to them.

I am sorry that you don’t have a stable, unselfish and kind mother in your life.

NTA

>this day is as much about me as it is about you.

Not sure how that works. If you don’t show up there is no wedding, if she doesn’t show up its a better wedding.

You have many petty options. 
-Arrange for all the guests to ware white (don’t tell mom) invite people to don their wedding dresses to give ‘everyone a chance to be pretty’
-Choose a non traditional dress color. Have all the braids party in white and have a pink, blush, or blue gown.
-Hire security and when she tries to enter have security politely explain she ‘must have the wrong venue as there is a bride here already’ act shocked and surprised she is also getting married!
-Invite MIL to also ware a white formal gown, and act shocked when your own mother throws a fit for ‘not being special’ 
-hire a clumsy friend to accidentally spill blue kool aid, red wine, or mt dew done the back of her dress. Oops! 

You can really get creative here.

OP I’m telling you, do not let her come. You can look at my post history, my mom got married the weekend before me and then turned my wedding into her honeymoon. She will make everything about herself. I wish I had listened to all the people telling me to uninvited my mom

She can’t feel beautiful in any other colour? Come on.

She is manipulive little …… and making you feel guilt over this is just rotten.

I’d uninvite her and anyone who supports her. Aunt is an idiot and I am glad my sister would never support me if I became this nuts.

My kids are 21 and 19, so your mom is about my age I guess. And I am planning on being beautiful for many years.

NTA

NTA And you know what? If she wears white, people will be talking mad shit about her. She may get the attention but not for the reason she thinks.

NTA. And do not give in. If you don’t set some boundaries now she’s going to continue to transgress in the future. If you have kids – how’s she going to act then? This is clearly a lifelong problem given your aunt’s reaction. Just no.

Not wanting other people to wear white at your wedding and not wanting to give up a seat you paid for on an airplane are two topics I think we can all agree don’t need to be asked if they’re the asshole.

NTA. Be prepared for your mom to make every effort to upstage you. Good luck.

NTA. Your mom is an egomaniac and this is a power play. She wants to hog your spotlight and thinks that, because the social consequences of not having your mom at your wedding would be so great, she can leverage that as a threat to get you to bend to her will. Only you can decide if you want to call that bluff and potentially face the fallout, but you certainly wouldn’t be the a-hole if you did, in my opinion.

Sadly, she isn’t going to look beautiful, shes going to look silly, desperate and very inappropriate. Tell her this.

NTA you are trying to save her from herself.

NTA. Tell you aunt that if she wants your Mom to have a “moment” to “feel beautiful” that she should pony up the money to throw your Mom a massive celebration in a fancy venue with all the trappings, food, decorations, etc but that your wedding is NOT going to be that event.

If your Mom is more focused on getting to wear a white dress and make your wedding about her than she is about celebrating your marriage is she actually someone you want at your wedding? Do you need the stress and drama of managing her? If she can’t or won’t understand that hijacking your wedding is wrong, I am guessing that this probably isn’t the first time that she has acted inappropriately at someone else’s celebration and that she is used to people letting it slide to ‘not cause drama’

NTA. Your mom is being ridiculous. Sorry she cannot see this.

NTA.

Revoke her invite. Enjoy a wedding day where no one is competing with you.

NTA and to be honest you should bar her from attending your wedding. Where is your father in this mess? Don’t let her drama become your problem. Besides, do you have any idea how pathetic she would look showing up like the desperate, “Pick me” chick at her daughter’s wedding?

Prepare a poster at the ceremony and reception. “If you are wondering why my mother did not attend, it is because she insists she can only wear a white floor length gown to feel beautiful. We offered to help her buy another dress and she refused. We will miss her at this event.” Bride = white gown, not close to white = everyone else. Every wedding I have ever gone to, there are beautiful mothers wearing beautiful non white outfits. She is the drama queen. NTA

NTA.

She can have her own wedding, or renew her vows if she’s already married. She can wear the pretty white dress that she feels beautiful in in her **own** time.

This day is nothing to do with her. You do not need to be the one to step down and “let her have this” at **your** wedding. Your mother is creating the drama. She can either get over herself and choose one of the millions of other dresses in every other colour available, or she can stay home.

Your aunt is also an AH for not backing you on this one.

Uninvite her, right now. That’s not someone who wishes you well. NTA all the way
Or a pettier way would be having 6 different people douse her with wine (cheap, preferably)

Your wedding, your rules. If she cannot obey strict boundaries, she’s welcome to sit this one out.

Using your daughter’s wedding as an excuse for your “last chance to feel beautiful” is fucking weird. Get dressed up and go out literally any fucking day. Pay for your own photoshoot in white. Don’t fuck your daughter’s wedding because you’re now an old hag. That’s fucked up.

NTA. If she won’t come because she can’t wear a white dress, so be it. She’s being petty and selfish. This is YOUR day, not hers. It is not her “last chance” to feel beautiful, she just wants to take away the focus from you.

Time to play the Reverse Uno card on your aunt by reminding her that the best and easiest way to avoid drama is to ban your mother from the wedding altogether.

NTA

Does your mother have a husband? Tell her to wear her white dress at a vow renewal ceremony with him

Or remind her that she has a thing called a birthday and she can wear her dress then.

NTA, draw that line.

“this day is as much about me as it is about you” is just flat out wrong. No, it’s not. I have three daughters, two are married, and I managed to feel beautiful at their weddings without wearing white.

NTA “and this was an opportunity to feel beautiful before getting old” I wish you had looked at her critically said “too late for that!”

She’s clearly in the wrong here (as is your doormat aunt), and if wearing a white dress herself is more important than attending her own daughter’s wedding, then that’s her choice, and you will just have to very calmly explain too everyone exactly why she isn’t there.

NTA.

Tell her okay she (and her drama) will NOT be missed.

NTA. Your own mother is trying to upstage you at your wedding. If she wants to ‘feel beautiful before she gets old’ she and her husband should renew their vows at their own ceremony that is separate for them. It would be appropriate to wear that dress at that time.

OP, if your mother would rather miss your wedding for her own petty, selfish, narcissistic reasons– then let her. Don’t allow your day and your life to be tainted by the memory that on the first day of your married, grown woman life you allowed your mother to ‘little girl’ you. Your mother is being weird. If she doesn’t feel beautiful every day that’s a problem she needs to work out in therapy not use your wedding to try to gain compliments. Your wedding IS NOT about her, your ILs, or extended family. The wedding and marriage is about you and your husband to be starting your life together.

It’s weird for her to think that it’s about her, especially if she has her own marriage. She got her chance to feel beautiful and it wasn’t about anyone else. Would she think to try to wear a white gown at a friend’s wedding– I think not!

If you don’t set your boundaries now, your mother’s tirade will not end. Don’t listen to your aunt, tell her that if an inappropriate dress is the thing that will keep your mother from her own daughter’s wedding, then maybe she the problem and shouldn’t be there after all. Don’t give in on this, you will regret it.

Why does she need to wear white to feel beautiful? Sounds like what she really wants to feel like is a bride, & there’s only room for 1 of those at your wedding. And her comment “this day is as much about me as it is about you.” is ridiculous. Your wedding is about 2 people: you **& YOUR HUSBAND**. Dishonor on her, dishonor on ~~her cow~~ your aunt. Absolutely NTA.

NTA and your aunt sucks. Placating unreasonable people is always a bad idea. And letting your mom pretend it’s her wedding isn’t avoiding drama. It’s making your wedding about her.

That is her goal. That’s why she keeps making the comments. She is taking over your wedding except for the “I do” and your aunt is mad to tell you to just let your mom have your wedding. Which is what they’re doing.

Uninvite them both. Either she’ll show up in the dress and you’ll have to kick her out or she’ll spend the **entire** day pulling the focus onto herself. She won’t just put on a nice dress and be MOB. That’s not enough for her. It never will be.

Let her. And secretly tell everyone to wear white, and you can wear your favorite color and be the real standout 😉

Why can’t she feel beautiful in the same dress in an actual color? Her explanation is BS.
NTA.

No one else is allowed to wear white to a wedding. This is common fucking decency.

NTA.

I actually ended up eloping, partially because of my mom. She kept making demands about MY wedding! This is supposed to be a day for two people to pledge their love to each other, it’s a day for the bride and groom (or whatever genders are getting hitched) and it’s not for their parents or anyone else.

NTA. She is though. She has plenty of time to “feel beautiful” after your wedding. YOUR wedding. Your FIANCÉ’S wedding. Not her wedding. I personally think wearing white if you aren’t the bride – family or not – is so disrespectful.

This sounds pretty narcissistic, too. Quite manipulative. And your aunt shouldn’t be backing her up. Stand your ground, girl! Mom or not, she’s acting entitled and careless about your wishes.

Threatening not to come? I know you want her there, I would, too. But that behavior would honestly make me reconsider. Or put her in her place. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Best of luck to you!

NTA take yourself out of it for a second and see if this argument or explanation helps. If she’s not narcissistic it might help. Tell her that she’s not going to feel beautiful and comfortable because every guest is going to be side eyeing her and not in a good way. They will be whispering and saying snarky comments to her and will probably hint she’s being awful and selfish.

Last chance to feel beautiful? What a joke. Is she terminally ill?
She’s just trying to make you feel bad for preventing her from taking the spotlight from you on your special day.

NTA

NTA

Your mom sounds like a classic narcissist.

I am old and I have had this type of relationship with my mother all my life and I can tell you it will only get worse. Disinvite her. Make it clear that if she shows up in that dress you will all talk about how desperate, thirsty, sad and inappropriate she is to everyone. Get your fiance and maid of honor on board.

She is showing some narcissistic traits and they will only get worse if you don’t set and keep boundaries now. She wants attention and will absolutely throw you in the street to get it. Make sure she does not have any control over your wedding. Make sure to tell your suppliers ie caterers, coordinator, and anyone involved that they are not to take any orders from your mother, only you or your fiance can change things. I say this because I have been there. If you thwart her one way she will make you pay somewhere else.

NTA. My second mother in law pulled this on me, so I got even. I said yes then messaged everyone attending and told them it was now a white wedding. I returned my dress and bought a pink one. Showed up the day off the wedding, EVERYONE except the bridal party was wearing white. MIL was pissed. I laughed about that for years.

NTA. Don’t let her come or she’ll throw a tantrum and ruin your wedding to make it all about her.

If your mum wears that to your wedding she will get a LOT of attention but sadly not the kind she wants. Find a way to let her know that.

NTA-maybe it would be best if she didn’t come.

NTA. Your mother needs to grow up.

NTA

She knows exactly what she is doing and it is a power play. Be grateful that she told you before the wedding that she intended to do this, instead of just showing up that way.

There are stunningly beautiful mother of the bride dresses so she cannot use that as an excuse at all.

Be prepared for her to show up in a white dress or be disruptive in some other way. You should probably have plans to have her thrown out if she is allowed to attend at all.

Wow, I feel for you. As I read the first part of your post, I thought “why do you care what she wears?” because, after all, it’s your day and no one else will care what she wears. But then as your post continued, I thought “I’m so sorry for OP to be saddled with such a superficial parent”. So NTA.

NTA

Good lord. Your selfish and insecure mom does not have a leg to stand on for trying to hijack your wedding to make herself feel good.

That shouldn’t be a sentence I or anyone else needs to write. If she’s gonna be a little brat about it then absolutely don’t let her attend. That behavior is so incredibly unreasonable.

ooo, you should let her have the consequences of her ultimatum, because that WILL avoid drama.

NTA, she can just not come to the wedding lol. Sorry you feel that way Mom but you’re not wearing a wedding dress to a wedding that isn’t for you

Weird, hard no. This actually isn’t a day about her, it’s about your future husband and you.

I don’t even have to read. NTA. It’s your wedding and you should be the only one in white. Your mom can kick rocks.

NTA

Your mom is trying to make your wedding about her. Don’t let her. You’ve got the people you need to back you up. Flat out, mom needs to be told, you do not wear white or you will not be let in. Period.

NTA! Your mom is exhibiting main character syndrome. Even if she relents and doesn’t wear white, she will try and upstage or even ruin your day. You told her your feelings on her wearing white so just ignore her and have someone available the day of the wedding to “ manage” her. If she chooses to not attend, and I doubt that a woman with “main character” syndrome would do that because she needs the attention, count it as a blessing and let everyone know why she isn’t there.

tell aunt to stfu

NTA. She can feel beautiful any day she wants. She just can’t do it in that dress on that day. 

Nah, it’s not about “last opportunity to feel beautiful”. It is her last chance to grab the spotlight and make the day all hers. How is the day about her? Nope. She is pushing your buttons. Stand your ground. Tell that aunt to go pound sand.

There are SO MANY beautiful colors you can wear to a wedding as a guest that are NOT WHITE.

She can be beautiful in a different color.

NTA

r/NarcissisticMothers

Sorry you have a parent like this and other relatives who are either boat steadiers or also problematic. NTA

NTA your narcissistic mother is planning to sabotage you. She doesn’t want any help from you, and she resents your youth and happiness. You won’t be able to avoid drama even if you lie down as a doormat. Ignore her cries for attention and put clear boundaries. “You will wear a beautiful dress, but not white. If you don’t accept this, I won’t let you participate to the wedding.” You are not responsible for her jealousy, your only concern should be your happy life ahead. Congratulations and have fun at the party.

Honestly, just let her not attend if she wants to act like a spoiled toddler. I uninvited my mother for similar reasons and had a great day not worrying about her

Don’t fall for this manipulation. This is NOT a chance for her to feel beautiful, she is the Mother of the Bride, it is time for her to look matronly, lol. If she wants to look beautiful somewhere she should pay someone for those glamour shots

When she threatens not to come, just say “Okay, bye.”

So don’t come mom and when I have to explain to people why the mom of the bride isn’t at the wedding. Well she wanted to wear a wedding dress and I said no

Tell her, “That’s too bad. I will miss you.” You can feel beautiful in other colors too.

NTA. Call her bluff. Tell her that its unfortunate she’s going to let something like a dress keep her from coming to her daughter’s wedding and you all will miss her but the day is not about her, it’s about you and your fiancé.

I am old enough to be your grandma. Tell your mom I said she is just going to look old. Nothing ages a woman faster than trying to compete with a young bride. and don’t feel bad if she doesn’t come. It is you and the grooms day. She can find a reason to wear a fancy white dress another time

Nta. Why do you even want her at the wedding? You aren’t going to avoid drama. If she goes you will deal with her trying to over shadow you and make it about her the whole time. If she doesn’t go you have to deal with her talking crap in the background, which you can clear up, and if anyone is on her side after learning about this crap, they shouldn’t be there either.

Right up there with not giving up the seat you paid for on an airplane. Nobody should wear white to your wedding. We get it. You’re NTA and you already know this.

NTA

I have 5 daughters. Part of aging is accepting that it’s your time to step back gracefully and let younger women have their turn to shine. Nothing is more aging than desperately fighting for the spotlight. Your wedding has one bride, you. Not you and mommy who cannot bear not being the centre of attention.

Ask your aunt how many women wore floor length white gowns at *her* wedding. Her daughter’s? Your mother’s? Then tell her to hush.

Tell your mother firmly that she will not be allowed in the venue in a bridal gown. Period. She can go shopping with you and MOH for an approved mother of the bride dress or miss out entirely, her choice.

It’s good practice at standing up to tame the dragon for when she declares your child to be ‘her baby’ in a few years.

Ask her how her own mother acted at her wedding, was she super pushy/stealing thunder? If yes, then she thinks its expected (or wants revenge); if no, she’s just crazy and wants all the attention for herself.

NTA

A lot of people and families spend their lives catering to the worst people in their lives “to avoid drama.” It reinforces the bad behavior in the person doing it, and eventually the whole family is fetching and stepping to coddle that person’s little temper tantrums.

Good for you for putting your foot down with your mom on this. Give her an inch and she will take a mile.

I’m sure she’ll look beautiful in another dress that isn’t a bridal gown and as for her threatening not to come to your wedding, tell her that she’ll be missed. You know she’s doing it to manipulate you into getting what she wants. NTA

Tell your mom sure if she is good with the other guests giving her dirty looks or laughing at her and that you can’t guarantee that someone might drop a drink on her white dress, then go for it. Tell her if she is good at being remembered as the psycho self centered mother of the bride, you won’t stop her. They won’t remember if she looked beautiful, in fact, the only thing she will succeed is leaving an ugly taste in everyone’s mouth. NTA

“my mom is threatening not to come to the wedding”

This may turn out to be a blessing, because if she’s saying things like:

“this day is as much about me as it is about you”

then this isn’t going to end with the dress. 

NTA. Perhaps reexamine your relationship with this woman. 

She needs to define “selfish” while looking in a mirror! She can feel beautiful in many colors but white will not be one of them on YOUR wedding day!! Your aunt should mind her own business or have that same conversation with your mother. Stay strong & Best Wishes

LOLOL. My MIL wore white. My grandmother wore white. My mother was mad (and may still be) that I wouldn’t let her wear white. She had two dresses in her suitcase – a white one that fit and a blue one that was way too tight. You can imagine she didn’t expect me to press her on the blue one. She did, admittedly, look awful in the photos.

All that said, if this is the fight, NOW, she’ll make your wedding hell. Believe me here from your future.

No no no no NO!!! NTA. Do not let your mom manipulate you on this subject. It’s what YOU want or she doesn’t attend your wedding. This day is about YOU AND FIANCÉ, and ONLY the two of you. She does not need to feel beautiful, she needs to make sure you feel loved and supported. If not, she can stay home. Congratulations and good luck.

Competitive, rival narcissistic mothers. They just bring pain and traumas. You can never tell them your secrets, your needs, victories.
Stay strong, white is for the bride, she can throw a party for her anytime of the year, she can dress as a princess in her birthday if she wishes.

NTA Can you speak to some of mom’s friends and family about this, and have them talk to her? Probably best if they don’t take the direct approach “Don’t wear white to your daughter’s wedding”. Might be better if they take the gossip approach. “I can’t wait to see your dress, you have such great taste. I went to a wedding last year where the groom’s mom wore a long white dress, and everyone was whispering behind her back about how tacky and pathetic she was, and she could never outshine the bride anyhow, and she was lucky no bridesmaid did the red wine trick. Attractive woman, dress looked good on her, but wrong dress for the occasion and she made a fool of herself.” Cuz, its true you know, that is what everyone will think about your mom. And keep some red wine handy!
Does she have a boyfriend these days? It might also help to keep her calm and happy on YOUR wedding day if she has a nice man flirting and dancing with her. If you 2 have a male friend who’d be willing to be attentive and flirtatious with your mom at the wedding and pre-wedding activities, that might also help her be on her best behavior. Call it the friend’s wedding present to the 2 of you.

Sorry your mom is so lonely and pathetic and narcissitic. I hope she behaves herself and the wedding is lovely. Congratulations!

Let her wear it. Have your MIL and bridesmaids wear white too – the pictures will be STUNNING. You can accessorize your dress with a pop of color OR wear whatever color your planned for your bridesmaids. Don’t tell your mom. She’ll show up thinking she’s going to “shine” and will blend in. Problem solved.

NTA

Call her bluff. Tell her it’s her decision to attend. Reiterate it a few times. If she does show up in white, have someone you trust to fully back you ask her quietly to leave.

My mom’s similar (jealous, emotionally immature, covert narcissist) and I have zero patience for ultimatums like this. It’s not real, it’s a childish way to manipulate you. Call her bluff. She wants you to back down. Don’t.

I suspect this isn’t the first time this has happened with her and it will not be the last. If you plan on having kids, prepare for her to be a complete monster about that too.

Do you want a great wedding and a happy life? Keep your mother out of your life.

NTA. UpdateMe

Your mom has some issues

NTA. Tell her if she wears it, she won’t be able to walk down the aisle. AND bring a back up dress for her. But in case she shows up in the white dress, have your MOH “accidentally” spill something on it. Solved without you being TAH.

NTA! It’s a basic rule only the bride wears white. Tell your mom she surely doesn’t want to be remembered and even immortalized as narcissistic and immature.

No white or cream is to be worn to a wedding. Period point blank. This is well-known and the most basic of wedding etiquette. She’s trying to upstage you at your own wedding. Let her not come. She’s gonna pull SOME kind of stunt regardless. Hire security. Enjoy your wedding and let your mom be miserable by herself. If your aunt wants her to wear it, tell your aunt to get a vow renewal or wedding of her own so her sister can upstage *her.* Your aunt and others like her are the reason your mom is a spoiled entitled brat.

Nope. NTA. And your mom can stay home and have her pity party. Blackmail doesn’t look good on anyone.

If your mom is threatening to not come to your wedding because she’s not allowed to wear a wedding dress that she is not someone I would want at my wedding.

NTA.
I think you are better off telling your mom that she is no longer welcome to your wedding.